Hridoy Ahmed
on February 16, 2022 37 views
‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ What happens when the passion goes? Andrew G. Marshall
#Valentine #Love #Relationship #BookTube
0:01 Introduction a paradox about love. For a long-term relationship we need to find enough similarities with our partner – either culturally, socially or emotionally – to make a connection, yet we need enough difference to stop the relationship stagnating. In addition, a challenge is that everybody has their own definition of love.
0:33 ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ People who say this may describe each other as best friends, or say that their relationship was more like that of a brother and sister, except most were still having sex. Frequently there is a lack of arguments, when someone cannot truly voice their feelings, the relationship will cool down. There is also a tendency for two partners to grow more like each other. At times the catalyst for those with partners who had fallen out of love had recently had a life-changing experience.
The two main culprits are neglecting physical intimacy and not allowing each other to be different enough. When there is so much pressure to be everything to each other, to share friends and even tastes, there is little room to be an individual as well as one half of a couple.
1:58 Intimacy is made up of three main components: vulnerability, good verbal communication and physical closeness (of which sex is probably only 30 per cent). Get these key ingredients balanced and you will always feel both loved and desired.
2:30 The seven steps
2:44 Have you been criticising rather than complaining? In general, complaints use ‘I’ while criticism uses ‘you’. For example, a complaint would be, ‘I wanted us to go to bed at the same time.’ Voiced as a criticism it would be, ‘You didn’t come to bed on time.’
3:24 A further paradox of love is that we all need to be loved. Almost everything we do is to protect us from pain, but most of the pain we feel comes from this protective behaviour.
5:16 Use positive reinforcement to ‘train’ your partner:
In the rush of day-to-day living it is easy to buy off a partner with ‘of course I love you’ rather than take the time to show it or act thoughtfully.
Body language written book summary link:
Many couples arrive at counselling with one partner complaining about being taken for granted, whilst the partner looks back mystified.
7:20 Successful couples continue to take both small risks (like upsetting their partner) and bigger ones (like one partner retraining and meeting a lot of new people) while, by contrast, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ couples prefer to play safe.
8:03 It is important to understanding the relationship (the past), concentrate on changing things for the better (the future) but also focus on the present, which might be the next few days. People who are stuck thinking about the past risk developing depression, those who set off with their eyes fixed only on the future may crash and burn. If you live in the moment you are unlikely to develop many problems unless you adopt a hedonistic desire to feel good today and become trapped in pointless pleasure-seeking.
8:59 Remember overtime your relationship will change; here are approximate steps.
• Blending – Year 1 to 18 months
• Nesting – Year 2 to 3
• Self-affirming – Year 3 or 4
• Collaborating – Year 5 to 15
• Adapting – Year 15 to 25
• Renewing – Twenty Five Years plus
11:20 12 steps for the Road to Intimacy’; take them ideally as a couple but you can lead by example and create a knock-on effect.
1 Validate each other. Compliment or congratulate your partner.
2 Grab opportunities to talk.
3 Set aside quality talking time – thinking your goals / where you are heading
4 Confide a secret.
5 Touch your partner. Reintroduce casual touching into your relationship.
6 Share food out of the same bowl
7 Set the scene. Take a long hard look at your bedroom. Is it a passion-killer?
Make the room warm enough, the lighting kind (candles are a good tip) and lock the door.
Finally, add a sound system to set the mood and to prevent worries about being overheard.
8 Slow down your lovemaking. Intimacy needs time.
9 Find new erogenous zones.
10 Skip intercourse.
11 Make initiation a shared responsibility.
12 Experiment. Try bringing something new into your relationship.
13:43 Summary on the one hand, a couple needs to have worked hard to remove the obstacles to love: anger, hurt, cynicism and impossible expectations. Yet on the other hand, a couple needs to step back and let go.
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